


The Cost of Guilt

by st_mick



Series: Niffler [9]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Torchwood
Genre: Gwen Bashing, Honestly I don't know where that came from, Hurt/Eventual Comfort, M/M, References to S02 Ep05: Adam, guilt/remorse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-11-05 06:36:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17913677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/st_mick/pseuds/st_mick
Summary: In this AU, "Adam" comes after "Reset".  After being obliviated, Ianto struggles with an unknown sense of guilt that plunges him into despair after a mission goes sideways.  He is convinced Jack will not forgive him, and Gwen seizes an opportunity.





	The Cost of Guilt

“Jack.  If you’re hearing this, it means you’re trying to figure out where your memories of the last two days have gone.”    

Jack, Ianto, Tosh and Owen had awakened in the conference room.  Gwen and Rhys were on the sofa in the hub.  None of them remembered anything.  They had started trying to figure out what had happened by looking through the CCTV footage, but it had been wiped.  The system was completely blank.  Jack had logged onto his computer to find out whose security access had been used to override the protocols, only to find that it was his own.  The video file had come up automatically with an ‘eyes-only’ warning.  He had immediately shut his door and started playing the message. 

It was a recording of Ianto, who was sat in front of Tosh’s computer, looking disheveled and distraught.  “It’s not Retcon,” the recording continued.  “We couldn’t take a chance on it being broken, so I’ve called in an Unspeakable.  In turn, they will be _obliviated_ to remove any memory of this assignment, once they return to the Department of Mysteries.  As I am recording this, the others are being _obliviated_.  You and I are next, but we thought an extra precaution was in order, given that no one on this team is especially good at just letting things go.”

Jack’s heart was in his throat.  He had not seen Ianto look this undone since Lisa.  What the hell had happened?  The younger man was rubbing his face, clearly trying to decide what he could share.  Finally, he sighed.  “Please let this go, Jack.  The danger of me saying too much is…  Just…”  He sighed again.  “Toshiko was raped, Jack.  Owen has already checked her out.  She’s not hurt.  It was not violent, but what happened was without her conscious consent.  And I was…  Well.  Apparently there are some things occlumency can’t help prevent.”

Jack was reeling.  What the hell happened?  He looked more closely at Ianto.  He looked wrecked.  Haunted.  Whatever had violated Toshiko’s body had clearly done the same to Ianto’s mind.  And Jack was supposed to just let that go?

“Please, Jack.  Please trust me,” Ianto hesitated, looking pained.  “I mean, please believe me.”  Jack saw a hand land on Ianto’s shoulder.  It was his own.  He saw a glimpse of the blue shirt he was still wearing, now.  “Despite how you feel about obliviation and Retcon, you have agreed to this.  And… you know that after everything, I would never consent to be obliviated, unless it was absolutely necessary.  But I need…  We need to forget.  And not just…” he bit his lip as Jack’s hand squeezed his shoulder and began gently stroking the back of his head.  “I don’t _want_ to remember this.  But more importantly, if we remember…” he trailed off, and Jack couldn’t tell if Ianto couldn’t articulate what would happen, or if he was simply unwilling to risk divulging more.

Ianto sniffed.  His eyes were red-rimmed.  “Let’s just leave it with this: it would be really bad, if we were to remember.  I’m sorry.  Please understand, this was the only way.”  He scrubbed his face again.  “And… please be patient.  Toshiko will be grieving, but won’t know why.  I will probably be on edge and upset, and also not know why.  It will pass, but it may take a week or two, so just… bear with us.  The others won’t understand.  I don’t think they were as impacted.” 

The Jack on the screen murmured, “Tell the rest, Ianto.”

Ianto’s chin wobbled, but then he seemed to collect himself.  “Tosh will be angry and upset.  And sad.  We’ll need to watch over her.”  He paused as the hand gave the back of his neck a squeeze.  He shut his eyes tightly before letting out another breath.  “And I’m going to feel guilty.  Like I’ve done something terrible…” he trailed off to wipe away the tears that were now streaming.

“But you didn’t,” the Jack in the video whispered against the top of his head.  His face was still out of view of the camera, but he was standing beside Ianto, and the younger man was leaning against him, crying into his shirt.  “You’ve done nothing wrong.  It was all part of the…”

“Jack,” Ianto interrupted him, preventing him from saying too much.  He wiped away the tears as he leaned away from Jack and faced the camera again.  “Please, Jack.  Just let this go.”

The screen went blank and the file deleted itself.  Jack sat back, stunned.  Something had gotten past Ianto’s incredibly formidable psychic shields and convinced him he had done something terrible, undoubtedly knowing that a good man’s conscience could do some real damage, in the right circumstances.  But if Ianto had no memory of the attack, it would just be a matter of waiting for the heavy emotions to dissipate.  Maybe he could drum up some fluff assignment for Ianto and Toshiko, to get them to take it easy…

He heard a knock at his door and waved for Ianto to enter.  “You all right?” he asked gently. 

Ianto nodded, but he was frowning.  “I feel so strange,” he said.  He looked at Jack, his eyes still showing shadows of the pain that had been so acute in the video message.  He swallowed.  “Jack, I think…  That is, I feel… the way I felt, after Lisa.  I’m afraid maybe I did something…  Gods, Jack.  What if I caused this?”

Jack stood and went to Ianto, pulling him into an embrace.  “I just found an eyes-only video recording that told me a few things.”

Ianto made a surprised noise, but Jack held him firmly, and after a moment he felt Ianto relaxing against his body.  “What did it say?” he asked, his eyes resting against the crook in Jack’s neck.

“There was some sort of psychic attack,” Jack said slowly, knowing they needed to stop talking about whatever happened and let it go, or risk something worse.  Ianto’s pleas had him convinced.  He vaguely wondered why he had made Ianto record the message, but he already knew why.  He needed to see the state Ianto had been in, before he was obliviated.  The fact that Jack was also in the frame, supporting Ianto, confirmed he needed to heed the warnings.

Ianto nodded.  “I can tell, the way my head feels.  And…” he snuggled closer to Jack.  “I don’t think we were Retconned.”

“And we can’t try to find out why,” Jack said.

“I guessed as much.”

“One thing that was mentioned in the message was that you’ve done nothing wrong.  I think as part of the attack you were made to think you’d done something terrible.  But the message was emphatic – that was a trick.”

Ianto nodded again.  “So now we wait for it to ease.”

“Now we wait.”  Jack hesitated.  “Ianto, Toshiko was affected, as well.”

Ianto pushed away from Jack and went to the door, looking out to where Tosh was working on one of her programs.  She seemed fine, though perhaps a bit sad.

Jack placed his hand on Ianto’s shoulder.  “She’s fine, but she’s going to be grieving, and won’t know why.”  He figured it’d be easiest to just repeat what Ianto had said in the message.

A small smile quirked Ianto’s lips.  “I’m sensing a movie marathon sleepover weekend in our immediate future.”

Jack brushed his hand down Ianto’s back and smiled.  “That sounds like an excellent idea.  Can my bunny slippers and I crash?

***

That night and the next, Ianto did not sleep.  He spent long hours weeping in Jack’s arms, his conscience locking onto every terrible thing he had ever done (as well as quite a few not-so-terrible things) and punishing him accordingly.  That eased as the week wore on, but Jack noticed that Ianto was harder on himself than usual (or necessary) for any task that was performed less than perfectly. 

It was after everything went sideways ten days later that Jack realized just how bad the timing of certain missions could be.  Ianto’s frame of mind heading into the mission, combined with the mission itself made a recipe for disaster.

The team returned to the hub in various states of distress.  Tosh had stayed behind to coordinate, and observed each member as they came in.  Jack was almost violently angry with how UNIT had handled damned near everything, and he strode to his office with a black look and slammed the door as soon as they arrived.  Gwen and Owen looked grim and subdued, but mostly fine.  Ianto looked like he was barely holding it together.

Everyone settled down to write up their mission reports.  Ianto finished and printed his, first.  He placed it in a file folder and then sat, staring up at Jack, who was brooding at his desk.  He swallowed hard and pulled up a blank document on his computer.  After several minutes of typing, he saved it and set the screensaver before rising.  “Coffee?” he asked, his voice low and gravelly.

Gwen and Owen both answered in the affirmative, but Tosh turned to look at him.  “Ianto, are you all right?”

The air took on a charged quality, as though there was static electricity coming off of him in waves.  In the next moment, his entire body tensed, and the air cleared.  Tosh realized he was trying to keep his magic under control.  “I think I’ve finally done something he won’t forgive,” he said quietly. 

Tosh’s eyes widened.  “What do you mean?”

“Doesn’t matter,” he said quickly, clearly regretting having spoken.  “Coffee?”

Tosh nodded, and he headed for the kitchenette.  She noticed Owen watching him with a frown.  Gwen also watched him go, but her expression was more shrewd.  As though coming to a decision, she rose and headed to Jack’s office.

Tosh tried to speak to Ianto when he brought coffee, but he gently demurred.  He set down mugs of coffee for Tosh, Owen and Gwen before carrying a tray holding his own mug and Jack’s up the stairs towards Jack’s office.  He seemed to freeze outside the door for a moment, and just stood there for several seconds before setting the tray down on the floor in front of the closed door and walking unsteadily back to his desk. 

He pulled his pistol from its holster and released the magazine, the racked the slide to eject the shell.  He locked the safety with the rack still slid open to show the gun was unloaded and placed everything neatly on his desk.  Next he pulled his credentials from his pocket and dropped them onto the desk, as well.  Finally, he brought up the document he had previously saved and printed it, adding it to the file folder holding his mission report.  As he unlocked his desk drawer and took out a bar of dark chocolate, the air became charged again, and he was surrounded by a sort of crackling sensation. 

Tosh looked at Owen, who shook his head and stood, heading for the stairs.  “Bloody hell,” he muttered darkly, coming back down the steps, though he had only ascended two – enough to see into Jack’s office.  He shook his head at Tosh’s questioning look and raised a finger, telling her he would explain in a minute.

Ianto pulled out his wand and tossed the folder in the air.  With a wave of the wand, the file flew up the stairs as though its front and back covers were wings.  It hit the door to Jack’s office with enough force for the sound of the impact to echo through the hub.  He put his wand down on the desk and picked up the chocolate, whistling for Myfanwy.

***

Jack was sitting in his office, brooding over UNIT and allowing himself to be upset that none of the aliens had survived the day.  For the most part, it was no one’s fault, really.  Six of the seven Theloptians had perished in the crash on Mount Snowdon.  The seventh, a young female, would not have survived Earth’s atmosphere much longer, but in her terror she had fallen from a high cliff face. 

UNIT had tried to commandeer the site, and to Jack’s mind, any possibility of saving the little girl had been bollocksed up by their dick-wagging.  Jack had run interference with the site commander as Ianto had apparated with Gwen and Owen to the crash site to try to assess the situation.  They had found the little girl, but she fell from the cliff before they could help her.

The light knock at his door was not welcome, but he waved Gwen in. 

“Jack?” she seemed a bit lost.  He stood and rounded his desk, placing his hands on her arms.  He deduced that it must have been Gwen who had tried to get to the little girl on the ledge.  A small part of him was relieved that it was not Ianto.

“You all right?”

“It’s just so hard,” she whispered, her chin wobbling. 

Jack hugged her.  “We did everything we could, Gwen.”

“We should have saved her.”

“Not sure we could have,” he sighed, and she looked surprised.

“Jack,” she pulled away.  “I…”  She looked down, hesitating as though she wasn’t sure what to say.

“Hey.  What is it?”  He placed an index finger beneath her chin to tilt her head up so she’d look at him.

“It’s just… this life, Jack.  I don’t know…” she sighed.

“Do you need some time?  I know you’re stressed, with planning the wedding.  Maybe take some time between now and then?”

“That’s not it,” she replied softly.  “Jack, I’m not sure…  I don’t know that I want to get married,” she blurted.

Jack was nonplussed.  Most days, Gwen couldn’t stop going on and on about the wedding and Rhys.  He smiled.  “That’s just cold feet, Gwen.  It’s completely normal to have second thoughts.”

“But… I’m not sure…” she took a deep breath.  “What if there’s someone I want, more than Rhys?”

Jack blinked.  He didn’t have a chance to figure out a response to that before she grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him to her, kissing him fiercely.  Without thought, his arms went around her and he returned her kiss.  It was a reflex, really.  And he couldn’t remember the last woman he’d kissed.  It’d been more than a year and a half.  The near-novelty of it caught him off guard. 

Within seconds, he came to his senses and pushed Gwen away.  “Gwen,” he said, fending her off as she tried to pull him close for another kiss.  “Gwen, _stop_.”  She stilled.  “I’m sorry, Gwen, but… Gwen, you know I’m with Ianto.”

“You can say that all you want, Jack, but you just kissed me back.”

“Call it habit or instinct or reflex, but trust me, it wasn’t about reciprocating whatever this is.”

“But Jack…”  Gwen tried to step forward, once more.

A loud bang against Jack’s door had him stepping away.  “Gwen, I’m going to chalk this up to cold feet.  Take a few days and get your head on straight.  Get past today’s mission and spend some time with Rhys.”  He held up a hand as she made to protest.  “Because this,” he gestured between them, “is not happening.”

He opened the door to escort her from his office but came up short when he saw the tray of coffees with the file folder lying neatly on top. 

 _Shit.  Shit-shit-shit._   “Shit.”

He looked back to Gwen, whose face was speculative until she saw him looking.  “Get out,” he growled. 

Not willing to challenge the dangerous tone he had adopted, she scurried from the office and he reached down and took up the folder.  He quickly read the report, his heart squeezing uncomfortably as he saw that it was Ianto who had tried to save the little girl; Ianto who had grabbed for her as the cliff face gave way.  But she had slipped from his hands and fallen to her death.  He looked up and scanned the hub for his young lover, spotting him feeding Myfanwy a chocolate bar.  He frowned.  Ianto never fed Myfanwy this time of day…

He looked back at the file and saw there was a second page.  He almost choked as he read it.  “Ianto!” he shouted, jumping over the coffee mugs and all but falling down the stairs in his haste to reach the wizard.

Ianto fed the last of the chocolate to Myfanwy.  “I’ll miss you,” he said, giving her head a stroke as she nuzzled his suit, looking for more of her favorite treat.  Upon hearing Jack’s voice he stood, stepping away from her.  He turned to face Jack.  “Sir?” he asked, his voice rough.

“What the hell is this?” Jack asked, holding up the folder.

“I should think it’s self-explanatory,” came the reply.  The air crackled dangerously and Ianto frowned, then closed his eyes and grimaced as he drew his magic back in.

Jack’s eyes grew wide.  “Ianto, stop that.  Where’s your wand?”

Ianto frowned again.  “Doesn’t matter.  If you’ll excuse me, I’ll just…”  He took a step towards his desk.

“Ianto,” Jack stepped in front of him.  “You made me a promise.”

“Yes, but I assume the exigent circumstances of today’s events make that a moot issue.  As confirmed by,” he waved his hand towards Jack’s office, “well more than _two seconds_.”  He cast a contemptuous look at Jack.  “Didn’t waste any time, did you?”

Jack became defensive.  “It’s not what you think.  If you keep your promise, you’ll see that for yourself, quickly enough.”

Ianto scoffed.  “Clearly, you don’t know what happened, yet.”

“What?”

“Read the report.  You’ll be happy enough to see me gone,” he tried to step around Jack again.

Jack took hold of Ianto’s arm.  “What are you talking about?”

“The one thing you can’t forgive, Jack.  I know precisely where I stand.”  He snatched his arm away and walked towards Tosh’s workstation, where she and Owen were standing.  He reached out and shook Owen’s hand, then hugged Tosh.  He couldn’t speak.  It was everything he could do, to keep his magic from unspooling inside of him. 

“Ianto, what is it you think you’ve done that I can’t forgive?” Jack’s voice was almost desperate.

“Leave it, Jack.  Just read the incident reports.”

“Tell me!” Jack barked.

“I let go of her hand!” Ianto shouted.  The air crackled again, and just as what appeared to be a small bolt of lightning escaped Ianto, he growled and pulled it back into him, gasping sharply as the air settled, once more.

Jack’s knees buckled.  He sat down, hard, on the edge of Ianto’s desk, thankful that it was there.  “Ianto,” he whispered.

“And if you can’t forgive a fourteen year-old child for it, you certainly aren’t bloody well going to forgive me, are you?” 

“Ianto,” Jack repeated as he had a sort of personal epiphany.  Ianto was right.  He had been punishing himself for so many years about letting go of Gray’s hand, but it had been an accident.  Circumstances had dictated that outcome, not Jack’s actions.  He had not let go on purpose.  Guilt had not been the appropriate reaction.  It was a terrible thing, and grief was entirely proper, but guilt…

And then he realized that Ianto’s residual guilt from whatever had happened ten days before was probably driving his own reaction, now.  Circumstances with Gwen were only compounding his wish to get away.  He cast a glance her way and did not like the expression he saw there.  Had she actually done this, on purpose?  He couldn’t imagine.

He looked back to Ianto, who was visibly struggling with his magic.  He was…  Jack groaned in dismay.  Ianto was punishing himself.  He looked on Ianto’s desk and saw the gun and credentials, and Ianto’s wand.  He grabbed the latter and strode to Ianto, placing the wand in the young wizard’s hand.  “Stop hurting yourself.  We need to talk about this.”  He leaned towards Ianto, hoping to place a kiss on his forehead, but Ianto jerked back.

“Not on your life, Harkness.  You have Gwen breath,” Ianto seethed.

Tosh gasped. 

Owen cursed.

“Oi!” Gwen protested.

Jack flinched.  “Fair enough.”  He stepped back.  “And you’re right, Ianto.”

It was Ianto’s turn to flinch.

Jack hastened to add, “About me.  You’re right.  It wasn’t my fault.  I’m sorry it took _this_ for me to see that.  And I know today wasn’t your fault, either.”

Ianto just stared at Jack, for a moment.  His wand was helping his magic to settle, and he was sore from drawing it back in.  “I couldn’t hold onto her,” he whispered.

“I know,” Jack answered.  “And there’s no way you could have.”  He sighed.  “I’m sorry, Ianto, but she was most likely lost the moment the hull of her ship was breached.  Our atmosphere is poisonous to Theloptians.  Her body was breaking down, at a molecular level.  It would have made her skin very slippery.”  He shook his head.  “Even if you had been able to stop her from falling, she was still too far gone.  That’s why I was so angry with UNIT.  Had they not stalled, there may have been something we could have done, if we’d gotten to her, sooner.”

Ianto frowned, taking in what Jack was telling him.  He did not notice Jack stepping closer and taking his hand.  “Can you see that this isn’t entirely about what happened today?” Jack asked.

Ianto blinked and stepped back, but he didn’t pull his hand from Jack’s.

Owen looked from Jack to Ianto.  “I don’t know what you’re on about, but Wizard Boy here almost died trying to save that girl.  You need to know, he couldn’t have done more.”

Jack looked from Owen to Ianto.  “What?”  There definitely wasn’t anything in Ianto’s report indicating any sort of danger.

Ianto shook his head.  He had no words.  Sparks flew from the end of his wand.  He was still too upset to speak of it.  “I need some air,” he said, heading for the cog door.

Jack moved with him.  “You’ll come back?” he squeezed Ianto’s hand before releasing it, making sure Ianto knew it was his choice.  “Please?”

Ianto hesitated, then nodded.  Jack’s words, and his wish for Ianto to use legilimency, had eased his mind, somewhat.  But he was hurt and confused and in a fair amount of physical pain, and he needed a moment away from the noise of the hub and Jack.  Someone took his hand, and he looked down to see Tosh by his side. 

“Let’s go,” she said quietly.

When they reached the surface, she walked down the quay with him.  They sat in companionable silence on a bench and watched the lights reflected in the surface of the bay before them.  Ianto tried to breathe, to calm himself. 

“I know that something happened to me, during those two days,” Tosh spoke into the silence after a few minutes had passed.  “I don’t need to know what, but if something similar happened to you, then that would explain why you were about to just leave us, without a word.”

“All Jack would say is that you would be sad until you got it out of your system, and I would feel guilty, even though I hadn’t done anything wrong.”  He sighed.  “So I suppose… having her slip from my hands,” he choked.  “Gods, Tosh!”

She pulled him into her arms and held him as he grappled with the overwhelming guilt and remorse.  “Shhh,” she soothed.  “You did everything you could, Ianto.  And perhaps more than you should have.”

He pulled away.  “Wasn’t enough though, was it?”

“That’s how it goes, sometimes.  The important thing is that we tried.  Ianto, you couldn’t have done more.”

He nodded and allowed her to hold him for a while longer as he regained his composure.

***

As soon as Ianto had left the hub, Jack rounded on Owen.  “Tell me,” he said.

Owen shrugged.  “He approached her, trying to calm her.  She was in distress and backed too far out onto the edge.  It crumbled beneath her and Ianto dove after her.  Had her by the hand.  He was reaching for his wand when she slipped.  He disapparated and… I think he tried to gauge where she would be, in the air.  He apparated and made a grab for her, but she slipped from him again as he disapparated back to us.”

“He apparated into a freefall?” Jack frowned.  “That… that’s incredibly dangerous.”

Owen nodded.  “Yeah, I got that.  He was pretty much in shock, though I think it was as much from losing her as from what he’d done.  But he pulled himself together and took a body bag back down to where she fell and brought her back up.”  He looked at Jack.  "I thought you were on comms.”

Jack looked contrite.  “I turned them off while I was screaming at the UNIT site commander.”

“Yeah, well.  I think we should try to find Draco.”

Jack looked startled.  “Why?”

“Draco told me that the night, with Lisa, all the crackling and things shorting out was because Ianto was so upset that he lost hold of his magic and didn’t have his wand to help keep it under control.  So he sort of forced it back in on itself.  Took him a month to recover.”  He blew out a breath.  “He was doing that tonight.”

Jack nodded.  “That’s why I handed him his wand.  You think he hurt himself?”

“I’d like to be sure he didn’t,” Owen said casually, trying not to show his concern.

Jack went to his office and drew a galleon out of his drawer.  He pressed it as Draco had shown him.  Ianto and Toshiko were re-entering the hub when Draco apparated.

“What’s happened?” he asked, seeing that Ianto looked terrible.

Ianto sent Jack a cross look.  “Just a bad day.”

“More than that,” Owen put in, figuring that Jack was in enough deep water.  He had seen the end of the kiss, when Jack had pushed Gwen away from him.  He could only assume that Ianto had seen the kiss, itself.  He ignored Ianto’s glare and continued, “He didn’t have his wand and his magic was going haywire.”

“Damn it, Nif,” Draco said, pointing his wand at his friend and muttering an incantation.  He sighed after seeing the results.  “Well, thank Merlin you haven’t done any damage, this time.  You’re going to be sore for a few days, though.  I’ll go get you a potion.” 

He was about to disapparate when Jack took him aside and told him about the latent guilt after being obliviated, and how it had contributed to Ianto’s current state of mind.  Draco frowned, then nodded.  “I’ll add some things to the potion that will help with that, as well.”

He left, but was back within a quarter hour, during which time Jack made a point of tearing up Ianto’s letter of resignation. 

When Draco returned, he handed Ianto a potion.  “Here.  Drink this, and then go take a shower.  Hot water will help with the pain.  I’ll bring you another potion tomorrow and see whether a full course is in order.”

Ianto obediently drank the potion and headed for the hub’s shower and locker facilities without uttering another word.  Draco turned to Jack.  “You’d best go after him.  He shouldn’t be alone, right now.”

Jack nodded and did what he’d wanted to do since Ianto had left, the first time.

As soon as Jack was out of sight, Draco turned to Owen.  “What happened?”

“Where to start?” Owen snarked.  “A family of aliens crashed on Mount Snowdon.  All but one died in the crash, but a young female survived.  She fell from a clifftop.  Ianto grabbed her, but she slipped from his hands.  He… he tried to apparate midway down, but she slipped away again before he could get her back to us.”

“He tried to apparate in mid-air?” Draco looked appalled. 

Owen nodded.  “Almost worked, too, but her skin was too slippery, by that point.  For some reason, Ianto was convinced Jack would hold the child’s death against him.  So for extra fun, when we got back, Gwen decided to snog Jack so Ianto would see.”

“That’s not how it happened,” Gwen protested.

“That’s exactly how it happened,” Tosh seethed.  “As soon as Ianto said he didn’t think Jack would forgive him, you couldn’t get up those steps fast enough.”

“That’s not true,” Gwen sputtered indignantly.

“Gwen, darlin’ I think it’s time for you to take a few days to work on that wedding planning that you’re always bitching about.  Maybe when you get back, we can figure out where to go from here, knowing that you tried to break up the team, tonight.”  Owen was standing with his arms crossed over his chest, facing off against Gwen.

She looked livid.  “Fine,” she hissed.  “But that’s not what happened, and Jack will tell you as much.”  She grabbed her coat and purse and headed for the door.  As it rolled shut, she spat, “And for the record, he kissed me back.”

Owen groaned.

“She really wants cursing,” Draco muttered.

***

Jack rummaged through the cabinet next to the sink and found one of the spare toothbrushes he knew Ianto kept stocked, there.  He was still brushing his teeth when Ianto emerged from the shower area.  The younger man seemed more composed, now.  He even showed a hint of amusement as Jack, slowly and deliberately (and loudly), gargled with the mouthwash that had been left out on the sink.

Ianto suddenly felt very tired.  It occurred to him that he had no idea what sort of potion Draco had given him.  He sat heavily on the bench in front of his locker, thinking a short rest might give him the energy he needed to dress and apparate home.  “Jack, I’m knackered.  Can we talk in the morning?”

Jack barely made it across the room to catch Ianto as he passed out.  He lifted him up into a fireman’s carry and headed out into the hub.  When Draco and the others spotted him, he said, “Is this why you didn’t want him to be alone?”

Draco smirked.  “Partly.  Though I wasn’t expecting it to hit him that hard or fast.  He must have been in a deeper state of shock than I had initially guessed.  Here, let me help.”  He walked over and wrapped his arms around both Jack and Ianto and apparated them to Jack’s bunker. 

Once Jack had Ianto in the bed and relieved him of the towel that had been wrapped around his hips, he covered the younger man and tucked him in, then kissed him on the forehead.  “We’ll talk in the morning,” he whispered.

***

When Ianto woke the next morning, he felt sore, but his head was clear and he felt calm and steady.  The guilt and shame and remorse that had been plaguing him had abated, and though he was incredibly sorry he had been unable to save the child the day before, it was no longer overpowering his judgment.  He assumed Jack had told Draco something of what had been going on and the potion had included something to help.  He was extremely grateful. 

And as for Gwen…  He found he was curious about what Jack would have to say, about that.  Speaking (or rather, thinking) of whom… he looked over and saw his lover sleeping next to him.  Jack had kept his clothes on and was lying on top of the duvet.  Ianto smiled at the respect and thoughtfulness of that gesture.  He stretched and turned to face Jack and watched him sleep for a quarter hour before the older man stirred.

“Morning,” Jack murmured, yawning.

“Morning,” Ianto smiled.

“How do you feel?”

“Better.  Clearer.”  He sighed.  “Jack, I’m sorry I…”

“Stop,” Jack took his hand.  “Even without the guilt thing, you had every right to be upset.  You have nothing to apologize for.”  He sighed.  “I, on the other hand… I was so busy stewing over UNIT, I completely missed how wrecked you were about the whole thing.  I’m sorry I didn’t see.  And then Gwen…”  He looked earnestly at Ianto.  “I know I have no right to ask anything of you, but I think it would help to clear the air, if you were to use your legilimency.”

Ianto smiled softly.  “If you’re sure, then okay.”  He frowned.  “I think I left my wand upstairs.”

Jack pointed at the night table.  “I brought it down, for you.  Figured you prefer to have it close.”

Ianto smiled again as he turned over and picked up his wand.  That Jack hadn’t taken the opportunity to drape his body over Ianto’s in order to pick the wand up and hand it to him was another point of thoughtfulness. 

Ianto took a deep breath, knowing from their practice sessions that reading Jack could be a particularly intense experience.  He saw Jack working to bring down his barriers, not something he normally did.  He looked tense, but determined.  With a small twitch of his wand, Ianto muttered, “ _Legilimens_.”

Initially, he was overwhelmed by the openness of Jack’s mind.  Usually their practice was to provide a challenge to each of them, in both offense and defense.  To get in without any resistance was… a bit of a rush, actually.  Jack’s trust was a heady thing, as was the anxiety that prompted the request, and the affection that the older man could not hide, in this moment.

When Ianto found the memory of the previous evening’s interaction with Gwen, it was like a bucket of cold water on the warm feelings that had accompanied the experience of being with Jack, in this way.  He saw her gambit – for he was certain this was a blatant manipulation – and he understood Jack’s dismay.

Ianto felt Jack’s response to Gwen’s kiss, and was unabashedly relieved that it was more a physical reflex than any sort of real desire.  There was affection for her, of course, and a certain physical attraction, but nothing Jack had ever planned to act upon.  Knowing this calmed Ianto and set his mind at ease in ways he had been unaware he needed.  Sure, he would likely always be a bit diffident, when it came to Gwen – Jack had simply done too much to encourage her, early on – but this went a long way to help him to know that his insecurities were largely unwarranted.

When Ianto opened his eyes, he saw Jack watching him.  “So,” Ianto said.

“So,” Jack murmured, reaching up to trace his hand along Ianto’s cheek and jaw, feeling relieved.  He had worried it would hurt.  Nothing had gotten past his shields and entered his mind so fully, in a very long time.  He frowned.  At least, not that he could recall; but given the nature of the attacks that had been obliviated from their memories, he couldn’t be sure.  He shook the thought away and marveled that it hadn’t hurt, at all.  Ianto’s presence in his mind had been like a warm breeze, quiet and comforting in a way that recalled home.

The thought terrified him, but there was really nothing he could do to resist it.  Nor did he want to.  He sighed.  “Please say you’ve changed your mind about leaving.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Jack,” Ianto smiled, reaching back to place his wand on the night table before leaning in to kiss Jack.  “I’m right where I want to be.”

***


End file.
